Dear 2015

Dear 2015,

First of all I'd like to say fuck you and the horse you rode in on. This has been my hardest, most challenging most destructive year ever.

You have given my eldest son a new hell he has had to live through and a heavy burden to bear. You seemed to like to kick people who were already down in the dirt. Repeatedly.

You have created a divide in some relationships and built others. You have bought past ghosts into the present. I've had to both live new hells and revisit old hells that were buried deep inside me.

But I do have to give you one thing. You answered my biggest most possible prayer (not that I pray). Even though I thought in my mind this wish was never going to come true, it did, and it was everything I had hoped for and more. Though this wish has bought pain and sorrow, it has bought so much happiness and healing. Old wounds have left deep scars on my inner being but reopening them and talking them though has helped them heal in a more thorough way. December has proven that no matter how long you haven't seen someone special, deep connections never fade and can feel both new and old at the same time.

I recognise that 2016 is going to require a lot of work and negotiation to find a new normal that I hope all who I love very dearly can be happy with. Although I recognise I have had a lot of personal growth this year, more is on the way if I'm going to be able to move forward.

I welcome 2016 and it's challenges but I hope it will treat me gently.

Much love to those I hold very dearly.

Beck xxx